Clark Jesus Christ
From Fandom wank wiki
June 2, 2003: Sabershadowkat writes "Of Legend," an exceptionally bad Smallville slash fanfic. How bad? This bad:
| “ |
Clarkâs olive skin colored pink. "You flatter me unnecessarily, Alexander." Alexander smiled slyly. "Perhaps it is that I wish to lay with you this night." | ” |
But it's not just bad, it's stupid too:
| “ |
Alexander squeezed Clark's hand and then knocked on the door of one of the homes. A servant boy answered the door. "Good evening. We are here to visit Anthony Thomas." "Who is calling?" requested the boy. "Alexander Judas Iscariot and his companion, Clark Jesus Christ of Nazareth." | ” |
This fanfiction raises many questions. Among them: Why are they visiting "Anthony Thomas"? What fandom is he from? Shouldn't it be "Lana Mary Magdalene" or "Whitney Simon Peter" or "Brainiac Pontius Pilate"? Before these questions can be asked, however, people compliment this drek. Apparently there was some fanfic challenge wherein writers were to insert Clark and Lex into the roles of historical figures. So there are other turdburgers following this formula. One shudders to think of it:
| “ |
"Here's the money...who are you?" asked the store clerk. "Lex Bonnie and Clark Clyde. And gosh we'd sure like to have gay sex." | ” |
June 8, 2003: Penelope_z and Olympia_m have found "Of Legend" and as you might expect, they didn't like it. Because it was retarded? No, because it portrays Jesus as a fictional character. With a cape. Whatever further religious, slash, or Smallville wank follows is now lost to us. Perhaps if we're good, we can go to the Fortress of Solitude Heaven and Clark Jesus Christ will take us to Pa Kent God, who will reveal to us the deleted wanks of yore.
Quotes
- "How would you have liked it if I wrote a fic where Lex as the American president happily supports [the Greek military junta of 1967-1974], and Clark runs to help the military tanks kill the unarmed protesting Uni students?" -- penelope_z discovers the world's most bizarre hypothetical question
- "It's like, there are SO many things to hate about that story, why start with poor Jesus?" -- misswindy
- "May I layeth with thee this night? Your bosom is like a herd of wild camels and your hair is soft like milk and honey. Ye, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of celibacy I will fear no evil..."
"Clark: that's one hell of a rod."
"Lex: Thanks." -- ivyblossom
- "And god said, "Let there be lube", and there was lube and lo, god saw that this was good." -- uniquesnowflake
