DIATSSISE

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Clumsy abbreviation for paintball's theory that "Dumbledore Impersonated A Trustworthy Severus Snape In Spinner's End".

Alternate names for the theory suggested by HP Cornfield include:

  • QWERTYUIOP
  • Diet Sissy
  • At Spinner's End, Dumbledore Impersonated Snape
  • Dumbledore Impersonated a Trustworthy Asshole, Vainly Or Not, Teaching Electric Eels at Spinner's End
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The Theory

DIATSSISE is meant as an answer to the question of Snape's loyalties throughout the Harry Potter series. It accepts as a given that Snape is loyal to Dumbledore and Hogwarts and from there attempts to explain why Snape killed Dumbledore in Book Six (Page 606 totally true).

Paintball's first theory was that Dumbledore was already dying from the same injuries that withered his hand, and therefore Snape committed a mercy-killing, not murder. Of course, that idea was too absurd, so he concocted DIATSSISE.

DIATSSISE holds that when Snape vows, on penalty of death, to kill Dumbledore if (when) Draco pussies out and can't do it, it is actually Dumbledore disguised as Snape. This incognito Dumbledore (or "Snapledore", no relation to the slash pairing) is merely at Spinner's End to gather intelligence on the Death Eaters. (Naturally Dumbledore can't waltz in as himself, so he's disguised himself as Snape, who the Death Eaters will trust because the real Snape is Dumbledore's mole in the organization who gathers intelligence on them so that, you know, Dumbledore doesn't have to do it himself. Except he is anyway.) When Draco's mom unexpectedly makes Snapledore take the vow, he has no choice but to do it so he won't blow the cover of the mole he isn't using.

This creates a catch-22--if Draco can't kill Dumbledore, Dumbledore has to kill Dumbledore so the magic vow won't kill Dumbledore. His fate sealed, Dumbledore asks Snape to pretend to kill him to maintain Snape's cover. (This way the Death Eaters will still trust Snape, so others can continue to spy on them disguised as Snape and also get themselves stuck making Unbreakable Vows.) Therefore Snape committed a fake murder, not murder.

As you can see, this incredibly marginal distinction has a major impact on the outcome of the series, and completely transforms the Harry Potter novels from seemingly simplistic fantasy to a deviously clever mystery right under the fans' noses!

Shortly after the release of Book 6, JK Rowling added a certain book to her website's suggested reading list: Catch-22! [insert shocking music] Coincidence? Paintball didn't think so.

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Links

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