Elijah Wood, Moon God
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Elijah Is Like The Moon
May 29, 2005: An Elijah Wood fangirl named Oselle wrote about 5,000 words in adoration of the actor. The bulk of the text is lost in the mists of the internets, but some quotes from the wank report:
| “ | We are drawn to Elijah because he is so beautiful, and he is beautiful because he is whole, as we should be, as we might someday be again. He is like the sun, or the full moon, whole and radiant and perfect. Ah, how he shines. | ” |
and
| “ | I hope he never understands fully just how powerful he is, as a man and as a legend, I hope he never loses his innocence, and I ain't talkin' about virginity here. I'm talking about his inner light. May it shine forever. | ” |
Esorlehcar was unimpressed by Oselle's religious beliefs, particularly as Oselle admitted that contemplating on the wholeness of Elijah Wood in contrast to her unwhole self made her miserable. Again, quoted from the wank report:
| “ | Making a celebrity into a god isn't something I'll ever understand, but if it was making you happy, I'd say more power to you. You mention the tinhats, who, whatever else we may think of them, are deliriously happy with their little gay teddy bears and talk constantly about how knowing about them has enriched their lives. But in your case, your deification of Elijah seems to be making you miserable. You've set him on so high a pedestal that nothing else in the world can come close, and this has convinced you that the world is a terrible, terrible place. And that seems extraordinarily harmful to me. | ” |
Oselle argued back that Elijah-worship was an essential part of her life, and Esorlechar went and ranted on her journal about the affair. [1]
| “ | You know what's really, really, really not a good idea? Trying to reason with someone who believes Elijah Wood is the perfect, godlike standard to which the rest of universe should strive but will inevitable fail to be worthy of.
I'm simultaneously so sorry for this woman I could cry and fairly freaked out that deification on this huge a scale is being not only condoned but actually lauded. Fandom is an odd, odd, odd thing. | ” |
Oselle found out. [2] [3]. And so did her friends. [4]
Then Hinky wrote it all up for a Wank Report.
Fandom Wank Is Out To Get Me
A bad anonymouse told Oselle she was on Fandom Wank. Oselle leapt to the batshit insane logical conclusion that the anonymouse was therefore Hinky who'd posted the Wank Report.
| “ | I thought I was dealing with a bunch of wankers -- people who just like to listen to themselves talk and who get off on mocking others. Now I know I'm dealing with people who have appointed themselves as some sort of fandom cops, always watching for their own highly subjective idea of "abnormal" behavior so that they can enforce "consequences." | ” |
Even though Hinky corrected her on that and several other points, Oselle went to her LJ to explain her fear of Hinky and Fandom Wank to her supportive flist.[5]
Esorlehcar Repents
June 23, 2005: Inspired by Fandom Love, Esorlehcar tearily denounced her former behaviour, and apologized to all those she had led astray in her religious bigotry. [6]
| “ | The beauty and power of hugsnkisses's new FL mission statement has filled me with a deep-seated sense of shame and horror at the crassness and cruelty of my own behavior during my years of involvement with the w**k community.
I've done a lot of terrible things in the name of w**k. I've pointed, mocked and laughed at innocent fans whose only crime was trying to enjoy fandom. I've called people insane simply because they view the world a little differently than I do. I've denigrated the fiction and photo manips that people have poured their hearts and souls into. I've been so relentlessly callous that I can't even remember the names of all the people I've abused and bullied and hurt. But I can't even claim these as the worst of my crimes. Recently, the FW pack mentality drove me to behave in a way more despicable that I ever could have imagined: I graduated from mere petty thuggery into full-fledged religious persecution, and I led some of you down the same evil path. Oselle, speaking from the bottom of my heart, I am truly, deeply sorry that I mocked your religion. The arrogance and cruelty of my belief that your messiah was somehow less than worthy simply because he's a short Republican B-list mama's boy is matched only by my unbelievable gall in asking why you would choose to worship a deity who made you miserable, as if it is my place to determine not only who but also how people should worship. I can never undo the damage I've done, and I can never truly atone for the way I so flagrantly spat on one of the most precious ideals the United States was founded upon. But I hope the fact that my disgusting behavior towards you shocked me into realizing what a monster I had become holds a bit of comfort: I will never again succumb to religious intolerance, and I can only express my heartfelt sorrow that your suffering was the price for my awakening. | ” |
Unfortunately for the First Church of Elijah the Moon God Esorlehcar's repentance seems to have been very short-lived. [7]
More Lessons From the Book of Elijah Wood
Although mostly lost to us, some of Oselle's arcane wisdom was saved for posterity. Copied and pasted by wankas or written on other people's LJs:
- "The problem with legend is that ugly old real life can intrude upon it with things that simply do not fit perfectly, and you know it when you see it." [8]
- "I know it’s not fair or right or even sane for me to think this way-" [9]
- "But talking to Elijah is like standing in starlight that’s shining just for you, if only for the briefest of moments. How extraordinary would it be to be loved by Elijah? Jesus, that’s just too painful to think about. I’m too busted up and broken to consider it without pangs of longing and sadness.
I need a moment." [10]
- "And you know, I finally watched his bit on Ellen from back in March. He was talking about how he was stuck in traffic because it was raining and he has to, he just HAS to throw out, "And I love the rain." ARGH. It's like he's siphoning thoughts out of my head to find ways to torment me." [11]
- "Even as I praise Elijah's wholeness, I wonder how whole he'd be if he'd had to live the sorts of lives that most of us do, with all of their never-ending disappointments and frustrations and watching ourselves get older and realizing every day that this is it. Quiet desperation, anyone?" [12]
Blasphemy From The Heathens
- He is like the sun, or the full moon.
- "Also, teh crazeh was tl;dr. What is it with the Cult of Elijah and all its denominations and mile-long essays on how Elijah/Dom sticking his dick in Elijah's ass is a world event on par with the ascension of Christ?" - feenix [14]
- "If you're going to deify something, why not choose something more fun than someone whose sole skill seems to be imitating a kicked puppy?" - ladybirdsleeps [15]
- "Feh. Elijah Wood is nothing. Orlando Bloom cured my leprosy." - lulinda [16]
- "Really? He made mine ooze, doubletime.
But delightfully." - eyebrowofdoom
- "Really? He made mine ooze, doubletime.
Categories: LOTR | Wanks
