Final Fantasy

From Fandom wank wiki

An endless series of role-playing games, none of which in fact is final. As an RPG, Final Fantasy delivers all the fun and excitement of playing Dungeons & Dragons or World of Warcraft. By yourself. For four hundred hours.

Like Transformers and Battlestar Galactica, each version of Final Fantasy introduces a whole new continuity that disregards the previous one, guaranteeing that each fan will have his or her own favorite and that they will inevitably fight over it. Only a few broad themes link the games together, most notably people mounting giant birds and guys named "Cid".

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The Series

Final Fantasy - Released for the original Nintendo console in 1990. Old people like to crab about how you're not a True Fan unless you've played this one. Fun fact: There is a rare cameo by Sephiroth in this game, and you can see it by beating Warmech in the Sky Castle without using any CURE spells.
Final Fantasy II - In this sequel for the Super Nintendo, the Light Warriors must awaken Princess Sara from a sleeping spell, and avoid monsters who want to use their blood to resurrect Garland! Available on the Nintendo DS as Final Fantasy III.
Final Fantasy III - The first game with romantic subplots within the story, inspiring generations of shippers. (Locke totally should have hooked up with Gau.) Features Kefka, who started the series trend of extremely pretty male villains. Later released as Final Fantasy VI in Japan and Europe, to the confusion of everyone.
Final Fantasy IV - A paladin named Cecil runs around trying to find out why "monsters are increasing." Good luck with that. The plot is notable for running having Cecil's buddy Kain double-cross, triple-cross, and quadruple-cross the heroes so many times that he makes Snape look about as morally ambiguous as Gospel Bill. Released in North America as Final Fantasy 11 for some reason.
Final Fantasy VI - See Final Fantasy II.
Final Fantasy VII - Originally known as Final Fantasy X in the United Kingdom, this game was released in the US for the PlayStation 1, which was called the PlayStation Advent Children in Japan. There are approximately twelve sequels to this game, none of which are called "Final Fantasy VIII".

FF7 is the first game in the series to feature 3D graphics and meandering cutscenes, so it's all downhill from here. It is believed that this game is the reason Final Fantasy fans think the wiki needs over nine thousand articles on the mating habits of Chocobos.

Fun fact: SEPHIROTH KILLS AERIS IN THE FORGOTTEN CITY TOTALLY TRUE. This is the most important moment in the history of video games, because lord knows nobody ever got killed in Final Fantasy before. Aerith later got better and became a successful professional wrestler.[1]
Final Fantasy VIII - In an unusual move for the series, the eighth installment (actually the fifth in Europe) was produced as a 20-hour machinima film, with the player being required only to continually hit the button to advance the dialogue. The story features Squall, his girlfriend that he barely talks to, his dominatrix teacher, and his hated rival that he spends all his time thinking about; thus rendering subtext obsolete.
Final Fantasy IX - Released as Final Fantasy XI in Dyslexia, this game is about a boy who is not able satisfactorily to explain what a Hrung is. It also saw a retreat from the bishies of the more recent installments and a return to the chibis of the earlier games. Nevertheless, someone is still probably drawing porn of it.
Final Fantasy X - Another departure for the series, FFX is an MMORPG, which offends purists who apparently haven't noticed that none of these games are anything alike to begin with.
Final Fantasy X-2 - Perhaps as a response to the slashy tones of previous installments, this direct sequel to Final Fantasy X-1 largely involves three scantily-clad anime women running around giving other women orgasms.[2] Originally released as Mega Man X2 in Madagascar.
Final Fantasy X-2+I: A New Hope - Chewbacca gets stilettos in this one.
Final Fantasy X-Three - In development for the PlayStation VI (III), so it will have the most gorgeous cutscenes, the longest quest, and the most powerful boredom engine ever developed for a Final Fantasy game. The load times will be approximately four hours, and only the five richest kings will be able to afford to play it. The story will just be yet another tale of a motley crew of heroes killing a godlike boss with a bunch of swords.

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Sources of Wank

Where N is the number of a Final Fantasy game and X is any number greater than 0, someone who has played Final Fantasy N inevitably discovers that Final Fantasy N+X is intolerably different and bemoans the fact that others actually like these changes to the series.

Notable Final Fantasy pairings, erectile dysfunction drugs, and/or H.P. Lovecraft characters:
- Cloti
- Cleris
- Yuffentine
- Squiefer
- Squinoa
- Aurikku
- Vaanelo

Since Final Fantasy characters frequently appear in the Kingdom Hearts series (because you always wanted to see who would win if Mickey Mouse fought Sephiroth), the two fandoms' balls are touching, with predictable results.

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Wanks

Wanks not involving Final Fantasy VII:

Your "tough chick" ain't so tough. I could take her. And you have no original characters.[3] - October 23, 2005
Your opinion is invalid. Also, opinions have no place in game reviews, anyway.[4] - December 20, 2005
Real Money Trading is not like slavery![5] - May 12, 2006
The SUPER ULTRA TOP SECRET Tetsuya Nomura Interview [6] - June 5, 2006
VG Cats, stop with the Final Fantasy comics [7] - June 30, 2006
FFXII is not a REAL Final Fantasy[8] - November 15, 2006
Square is dead to me, aka FFXIII announced for the XBox 360[9] (It was, of course, essential that the wank communities be informed of this.[10][11]) - July 14, 2008