FPB
From Fandom wank wiki
Fabio Paolo Barbieri, generally referred to by his LiveJournal username, fpb. His choice of wank topics is narrow, but he pursues them with the vigor of the true wank all-star. Outside of shipping wank, perhaps one of the biggest wankers in Harry Potter fandom.
fpb vs. Narcissam
April 5, 2004: fpb joins the Order of the Reviewers thread on FAP, where he is condescending and insulting to a fanfic by tybalt-quin. Narcissam tells him that that's not what OoR is about and he gets mad. He does offer to apologize to tybalt-quin, though.
Remember this. His hatred of Narcissam inflames many of his further actions.
Highlights
- Seems that fpb edited some of his original comments to a more civilized tone. The bit that started it still remains, though:
- "... to simply treat politicians as monsters manipulating and corrrupting the rest of us is just facile, cowardly and scapegoating."[1]
Links
fpb vs. Marauder slash
August 19, 2004: Wank report: [2]
Highlights
- "Gawd! How many people with nothing at all to do!" - fpb, on discovering Fandom Wank
fpb vs. fanfic
October 6, 2004: fpb posts "Gay Bar" to Fanfiction.net. In the story an adult Draco Malfoy is shocked--shocked!--that he has inadvertantly taken his wife to a gay bar. There he runs into Harry Potter, stumbling drunk and queer as a three-dollar bill. The couple leave after Harry threatens "We'll have your children yet!" At the end they speculate as to Harry's drunkenness, homosexuality, and failure to save the world from Voldemort years earlier--the implication being that one was the cause of the others. Everyone who reads the fic wonders WTF.
FPB then posts "About a Skivvy or the fate of Bellatrix Lestrange," in which his (real life) ex-girlfriend Debbie is the Muggle maid of the titular character. In true Mary Sue fashion, Debbie eventually kills Bellatrix. It also crosses over with Buffy, for no apparent reason. This also weirds out people, especially considering some of his other comments about his ex-girlfriend.[3]
In response to this, Molly Moon writes "The Half Frog Prince," a humor fic in which a character with fpb's real name marries Harry's Aunt Marge. fpb blows a gasket, completely missing the point, and the wank is off! He never came to terms with Molly Moon, but Molly Moon eventually changed the name of that character, and FPB blames that meddlin' Narcissam for the whole thing.
In an unexpected epilogue, Narcissam apologized to FPB for founding the I Hate FPB Club, and he accepted the apology. Which proves that Catholic guilt goes a long way. [4]
Highlights
- "Let me however say that the other people who involved themselves up to their necks in the witch-hunt, especially the odious person who signs herself with the significant name Narcissa Malfoy, have no such excuse [for mocking fpb's fic]. I feel no compunction whatever about labelling this egotistical, lying, emotional-blackmailing drama queen for the scum she is. And I will be glad to go on doing so."[5]
- "You pathetic ignorant fool, Harry was drunk [in Gay Bar]; not only drunk, but viciously and aggressively drunk; not only viciously drunk, but gone to that place exactly in order to get drunk. And you take his insults to Draco seriously? You pompous fool, they are the ordinary currency of barroom brawls."[7]
- From About A Skivvy:
- "The birth of [Debbie's] first child, when she was only sixteen, had marked her for ever. Her family had wanted her to abort him; when she refused, they threw her out, and she had to find employment somehow. By the time she was an adult, she had gone through more suffering and effort than many people experience in a lifetime, including falling into a bad drinking habit and kicking it by her own unaided efforts. Yet her face did not show it. Perhaps because she tended to be slightly overweight – nothing serious, but just enough to round out her features and limbs – she somehow managed to seem little more than a teen-ager, fresh-faced, with huge ingenuous blue eyes and naturally curly hair – unruly, she complained, but many women would spend good money for that luminous tone of brown and those round, delightful locks."
- From Gay Bar:
- "It makes sense, you know. Millicent was telling me about the people who come into her counselling service, and a lot of the gay men either have no fathers or some sort of tragedy in their family history."
- "He uses so many words to say absolutely nothing." - ari_o, in the wank comments.[8]
Links
fpb vs. FAP
FPB has been banned from FAP about five or six times, but only the latest two made it onto F_W.
December 4, 2004: By now FPB has come to believe that FAP is out to get him, looking for excuses to penalize him. When he is reprimanded twice for violating FAP's rules about one-line posts and banned, he decides his paranoia is justified.
January 23, 2005: FPB is banned yet again (for 32 weeks) apparently for the same violation of FAP's rules. His reaction is now friendslocked.
Highlights
- "The only way in which you resemble a human being, you degenerate frogspawn, is that you know how to hit a keyboard."[9]
Links
- One of his FAP bans
- His 32 week FAP ban (the last one?)
fpb vs. the destructive skepticism of David Dumville
September 17 2005: As FPB's 32-week FAP ban ends, he shows up on Fandom Wank to explain that the publishing industry is conspiring against him in his quest to publish History of Britain, 407-597, his 500,000-word treatise on his thoughts on yaoi the historical existence of King Arthur.
Note: the wank report was roundly criticized as possible grudgewank, but the metawank is as entertaining as always.
Highlights
- "I am criticizing your obvious prejudice, sweetheart. And you are so self-blind that you do not even understand that your prejudice is as brutally on display as the limp cock of an elderly pervert exhibiting himself in the street." [10]
- "In that case, you are not just some casual idiot, you are mutant pond scum. Go join the Nazi Party where you belong."[11]
Links
fpb vs. JK Rowling
December 5, 2005: FPB is among the most ardent opponents of JK Rowling's passing revelation in canon that throwaway character Blaise Zabini is black. After getting in a heated debate on a friend's LJ twice, he posts an essay to his own, entitled entitled "...an imbecility of arbitrary invention," to encapsulize his position.
After citing C.S. Lewis, JRR Tolkien, Shakespeare, and Homer (in that order), FPB somehow arrives at the point: Since FPB wrote fanfic with Blaise as a white guy, then Rowling is a poopy head for writing him as a black guy.
No wait, that's not it.
Actually, his point is that the Harry Potter series is steeped in the atmosphere of a British boarding school, so the work is hindered by elements which undermine that milieu. It's not that FPB thinks Hogwarts should be intolerant of blacks or Italians or both--he just finds it unlikely that a black person with an Italian name would attend a school in Britain and not somewhere else, where they have Italians and blacks. Like Italy. Or Africa. Or the United States. But Britain? That's crazy talk, man.
In short: Ents are slow-moving trees and Macbeth is set in Scotland, therefore a character named Blaise Zabini cannot possibly be black. QED.
Responses to the essay include famous examples of black Italians and personal accounts of mixed heritages that FPB might consider unlikely. To which he replies:
| “ | Unlikely people do exist - in real life. But this is not real life we are speaking of, it is art. And art has to be coherent. | ” |
Remember, aspiring writers--blacks with Italian names living in Britain are too outlandish to appear in fiction. Stick to more realistic concepts, like Quidditch.
Also notable because it contributed to a warning about F_W members trolling the wank.
Highlights
- "A Christian 'Moor' (meaning a dark-skinned North African, not necessarily a negro)" --fpb
- "The Ents are imaginative projections of the reality of trees as we perceive it, through the lens of our own human consciousness. But had they been anything else than they were, they would not have worked; and, for that matter, they would not have been the work of a genius." -- fpb
- "A black Blaise Zabini in Britain simply does not work. It has nothing to do with race, religion or any of the other fetishes that people like to wave at you when they have no arguments to offer: it has to do with the capacity to be easily identified and understood as a person." -- fpb
- "So, when she designs something that to any ear that knows Italian is an obviously Italian name, I have to take it that she meant it exactly as it sounded. And when she very improbably makes the same character out to be black, then I say that she has gone back on her own work." -- fpb
Links
fpb vs. the Dutch
May 18, 2006: What, you thought his wrists were getting sore? Naaah.
Apparently, he doesn't like the Dutch much. He posts an angry diatribe (for a change) about how the Dutch are all murderers who want to kill the elderly, foetuses and little dogs. Or something. A friend, Dreamer Marie (who happens to be Dutch) gets upset that he would be so bigoted against an entire nation and politely requests that he changes the title of his post. Now, he's an intelligent man, so he decides the most diplomatic thing to do would be to post another rant against the Dutch,[12] this time giving it a delightfully personal flavour. Dreamer Marie defriends him, so he decides to make some more wild assumptions:
"What if I am speaking with a person who, one day, will have her parents killed - because that is the way things are done where she comes from? Should I have been polite about it? Does anyone have such a vile idea of me as to expect me, for a minute, to be polite about it? Now that would be an insult."
She reports the post to LJ Abuse for libel; her case is rejected. He rejoices. All in all, a typical day for FPB.
On the plus side, commemorative RPF[13] was written about him, to which crickets chirped.
Links
fpb vs. the Nazi-Commie murdercult propagandists
June 18, 2006: Charlotte Lennox, a sockpuppet for someone knee-deep in the HP fandom, posts The Ms. Scribe Story on the community Bad Penny. As usual, FPB shows up to make it All. About. Him. Many laments about how evil and nasty the FA mods are follow, but everyone wonders how this relates to the topic of Msscribe herself. Smackdown and bannination follow, although he keeps posting anonymous responses that he doesn't bother to post in response to the right comments.
After being banned from the community and told to be polite in other people's journals, he brings all the wank back home, with a particular grudge against that bastard Bertolt Brecht (whose name is spelled Berthold Brecht in the original German). As one commentator in his own post says, he finds new and original ways to break Godwin's Law.
In the entire rant, he never manages to spell Pyratejenni's username correctly.
Best of all, the wank generates song parodies.[14] [15]
Highlights
- "And you know as well as anyone that the hostility against me was engineered from f_w columns and private correspondence that essentially lied." [16]
- "As I said in several other places, many of the people involved, beginning with Heidi8, were from the same group. From early in my fandom involvement, I felt a specific blast of hostility coming my way from the FA leadership, and said so repeatedly. If this does not seem to you a related matter, you have a pretty narrow view of the rules. What made this whole mess possible is the clannish, aggressive and narrow attitude of the CC fan club, with Heidi in the van, and what I have described elsewhere as Heidi's lawyerish attitude of aggression, lack of respect, implicit threat, and "if I can get a decision in my favour it is the same as a total moral victory". One would think that all these things would be relevant. Ah, but then you do not want to be argued with. That would be a strain, poor you. What happened to me had directly to do with the dishonesty and self-regard of the FA leadership, which is the group which this person successfully entered, with whose interests she identified, and whose group vanity made her enterprise possible, and, in the person of Heidi, still tries to defend it. If this is not enough for you, get lost. And if you find this post rather aggressive, it is because yours started it. I do not like being threatened." [17]
- "A couple of words about this moderator. The first thing I found out about her is that she is a member of Asatru. And Asatru is a neo-pagan community that spends half its time denying persistent rumours that they are neo-Nazi or at least racists. Well, perhaps they are not. All I can say is that I would rather have a Nazi for an enemy than for a friend; and that I would rather have a neo-pagan for an enemy than for a friend. They may not be Nazis. But I am familiar with Fascist and Nazi circles, and, by some inconceivable fatality, they do seem to be simply full of neo-pagan types.
And that is not the only thing about this person that I find politically repulsive. At the same time as she cultivates this entirely non-Nazi cult, she has also taken her name from one of Berthold Brecht's vilest pieces of Communist propaganda: Pirate Jenny, an odious fantasy of revenge and massacre on the evil hated Bourgeois. So we take it that she is not a Nazi, and we take it that she is not a Communist either. We reassure ourselves that she does not cultivate, even in jest, the memory of the two worst murder cults in recent history." [18]
Links
fpb vs. Ancient Greek slash
July 3, 2006: Everybody's favorite douchebag responds to Junediamanti's tongue-in-cheek look at the history of fandom wank, arguing that ship wars are a modern creation. This leads him into a long-winded and obnoxious debate about whether the works of Homer and Plato were slashy. The wank inspired...
fpb Bingo!
Next time he wanks, you can play along.
Links
fpb vs. Waltraute
July 7, 2006: Waltraute posts this wank report in which she compares the principal wanker and her over-the-top expository to fpb, specifically when it comes to randomly capitalizing words. FPB is outraged at this incredibly brief mischaracterization that no one was likely to remember in three days. (Perhaps he lost it because the original wanker is Dutch?) So he leaves about 200 comments insinuating that Waltraute is stalking him for wankfodder, preserving the wank in our memory forever. Remember, folks--he's smarter than us.
Eventually, Snacky bans him from Fandom Wank for threatening to kill various "sub-human" wankas, and not in a nice way.
Quotes
- "The trouble is, I do not think you would know a funny line if it bit you somewhere sensitive." -[19]
- "Quite frankly, you are wrong. First: if I left the scum alone, they would not leave me alone. That is a fact verified many times. These shit have been lurking on my LJ for years, looking for things they could lie about and distort, and short of finding out their real identities and having them whacked, I can do nothing about their hatred and their obsession. It is a pack thing, too, with people feeding off each other - Waltraute has actually confirmed this. So stop being patronizing - I am probably older than you, and I have some experience of group hatred. Second, you do not realize this because you have never imagined that standing up for oneself might pay, but every time this sort of shit happens, anything from four to ten names get added to my f-list. There are even people who claim to be secret admirers, posting anonymously and giving me useful information - I imagine, because they do not want to openly show any sympathy for me in face of the hatred involved. So you do not know what you are talking about. You live in a world where if you turn your face away from hatred it will go away. It will not. That is a fact of life. So when you meet personal hatred, the best thing is stand up against it. And that is actually the best advice you will get on this matter, so take it seriously." -[20]
Links
fpb vs. Dumbledore's homosexuality
October 23, 2007: No sir, he doesn't like it. Also, stalking is the manly-man's way of saying "I love you."
Then he got into an argument with Ataniell.
She won.
fpb vs. the anti-Middle Eastern crucifixion cultists
April 30, 2008: FPB reads a somewhat old HP fic, and begins to have a crush on the "admirable - stylish, attractive, brave (she is an Auror), diplomatic and wise" main character. That is, until said main character reveals herself to be pagan, and worse, refers to Christianity as a "weird Middle Eastern crucifixion cult". At which point he denounces the fic as "hate speech", with "evident racist overtones" and "a loathsome misrepresentation of historical fact." The author shows up, and you know what happens next.
Note: Apparently, leaving journal comments prevents FPB from going to sleep or receiving any other email until he can answer them.
Quotes
- "AND YOU DON'T HAVE THE MANNERS TO LET ME SLEEP AND WAIT A FEW FUCKING HOURS FOR YOUR ANSWERS, assuming I were willing to continue the discussion? Does it not occur to you that I have already given you enough time, that I might actually have other things to do, without having to exasperate me by unwarranted displays of sense of entitlement? Do my time and patience belong to you? Who gave you the right to assume you have the right either to have free access to me at any time you please or to seal my computer so I cannot get messages from my friends or family?" - fpb[21]
Links
The Works of Fabio Paolo Barbieri
- "About a Skivvy", starring the beautiful Debbie Wallace
- FPB reviews books on Amazon - more tl;dr than one can possibly imagine.
Works Inspired by FPB
- "Half Frog Prince", by Molly Moon Names have since been changed.
- FPB the Knife
- Pyrate Jenni
- FPB Bingo!
Other Links
- The things you find when you google "fpb"....
