Harry Potter

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WARNING! WARNING! THE FOLLOWING ARTICLE CONTAINS SPOILERS! IF YOU CONTINUE READING, YOU MIGHT GET SPOILED! NOOOOOOOO!!!!! YOU BITCH! YOU BITCH!!!

Contents 1 Books in the series 2 Important characters 2.1 Harry Potter 2.2 Hermione Granger 2.3 Ron Weasley 2.4 Ginny Weasley 2.5 Lord Voldemort 2.6 Albus Dumbledore 2.7 Severus Snape 2.8 Draco Malfoy 3 Unimportant Characters 3.1 James Potter 3.2 Lily Potter 3.3 Sirius Black 3.4 Remus Lupin 3.5 Nymphadora Tonks 3.6 The Weasley Twins 3.7 Molly Weasley 3.8 Cho Chang 3.9 Cedric Diggory 3.10 Luna Lovegood 3.11 Blaise Zabini 3.12 Dean Thomas 3.13 Marietta Edgecombe 3.14 Lucius Malfoy 3.15 NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM~! 3.16 The Giant Squid 3.17 Buckbeak 3.18 The Next Generation

A series of popular books by JK Rowling about a boy who finds out he's the son of wizards and goes to Wizard School. Although they are wildly popular among children, the Harry Potter novels are not children's books. How dare you suggest such a thing? These are adult books, dammit. Why, in Year 3 Harry sodomizes a prostitute's orbital sockets with a broomstick. Adult, adult, adult.

Inspiration of a really batshit insane fandom.

Books in the series

1. Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone - The title was changed for the US release because the publishers were afraid stupid American children adults dammit would not understand such big words. (See also: Harry Potter and the Thinky-guy's Hard Thing)
   
   
2. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets - Harry doesn't kiss, date, dance, or hold hands with anyone in this book, so who cares? Sometimes misread as Harry Potter and the Chamber of Sucrets.
   
   
3. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - Does anyone else think "Azkaban" sounds like "ass cabin"? Just me? All right then. In this book Harry and Hermione ride a hippogriff together, foreshadowing their true love. (Either that or "to blave," which we all know means "to bluff.")
   
   
4. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - Adapted into a movie, whose premiere JKR could not attend because she was afraid of confronting delusional shippers. The movie was recognized by IMDb as one of the year's best animated independent foreign language documentaries.
   
   
5. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - Clocks in at around 3,000 pages. Rowling takes so long to finish writing this one that in the meantime fans threaten to kill her, because we all know zombies write faster.
   
   
6. Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince - aka HBP. The penultimate book and the final countdown to the end of the world. Ships are sunk. Spoilers are spoiled. Abortions are forced. Prizes are given to children instead of psycho adults. Shippers are enslaved. Snape fights a bear. Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together--mass hysteria!
   
   
7. Harry Potter and the Golden Snitch Deathly Hallows - The Potterdämmerung, in which rocks fall, and everyone dies. Or they get married and have babies, which is just as bad.

Important characters

Harry Potter

The kid with the glasses that middle-aged women get wet for. Harry is "The Boy Who Lived," just as Superman is "The Man of Steel," except that Harry's claim to fame isn't being strong so much as that he breathes oxygen and doesn't walk into oncoming traffic. Millions of readers thrill with each book as Harry, astonishingly, exists.

Fun fact: Jesus hates him, so stab a Christian. If your mom will let you.

Hermione Granger

The kid with the bushy hair that middle-aged men get hard for. Originally, the perfect and blameless idol of millions of girls adult women grownups plzthx. As of Book 6, a hollow mockery of her former self. You can call her "Whoremione" now. Also, the biggest porn star on the Internet.

Ron Weasley

Exists primarily to make Harry look less stupid by comparison. Argues with Hermione a lot, and thus is guaranteed to beat her after they get married.

Ginny Weasley

Ron's sister, and thus a miserable excuse for a human being by extension. (Not to be confused with the wanker of the same name.) Dates several boys before Harry, therefore is a whore [1] and a Mary Sue. Seduces Harry in Book 6 by slipping him a love potion. (It's on page, uh, eleventy-thirtwelve.) Offers her body to Harry for a birthday present in Book 7. Ginny's sluthood is confirmed in the epilogue of Book 7, which indicates that she's opened her legs for Harry three times in nineteen years.

Lord Voldemort

The bad guy of the series. Often found in ratings communities. Unspeakably evil, but he looks like Ralph Fiennes so he gets a pass.

His real name is "Tom Marvolo Riddle", which as a youth he rearranged to the ever-so-ominous phrase, "I am Lord Voldemort". (So in French, his middle name is Elvis. Honest to God.) Darth Vader, Sauron, and Doctor Doom had better just watch out, because this villain has unlocked the forbidden art of anagrams!

Complementing his archnemesis, Voldemort is stubbornly ineffectual. Refusing to give up after getting pwned by an infant, Big Daddy V just keeps on trying to get revenge until it kills him. Unfortunately for You-Know-Who (and all possible dramatic tension in the story), he always falls over dead before Harry can even lay a finger on him.

Albus Dumbledore

Leads Harry on that flighty temptress, adventure. No, seriously. He's dead now, so like Sirius he must be getting lots of tail. Dumbledore's Army officially endorses George W. Bush, causing recurring conflicts with the KISS Army. Was established to be canon-gay in a post-Book Seven interview, thus throwing the entire Potter fandom into fits of rage and/or lulz. Okay, so maybe we were doing most of the lulzing . . .

Severus Snape

90-year-old greasy sociopath who has never heard of shampoo. Portrayed in the movies by 110-year-old actor Alan Rickman, who is (allegedly) hot.

Harry has a bizarrely intense grudge against Snape for no apparent reason except that Snape gives him demerits and detention a lot. Imagine Captain Ahab from Moby Dick vs. Principal Vernon from The Breakfast Club--that's Harry vs. Snape in a nutshell. This of course sets up the completely unexpected twist revealed in Book 7 that they are in fact on the same side! Trufax.

Snape murders Dumbledore in Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. (Or did he?) A scan of page 606 of that book (in which Harry tells Hagrid "Snape killed...Dumbledore") leaked onto the Internet just prior to the book's release, resulting in numerous trolls to Harry Potter forums saying "SNAPE KILLED DUMBLEDORE ON PAGE 606!"

Snape fangirls generally believed that he would turn out to be a good guy if they loved him hard enough.[3] Throughout Books 1-6 they continually whined to anyone that would listen that he was misunderstood. After Book 7 they whined that he should not be dead from snake.

In fanon (and on the astral plane), Snape is the Slytherin Sex God. He'll have kinky sex with anything--male, female, or inanimate. And that includes the Sorting Hat.

Remember, Snape has warned his followers not to post on Fandom Wank.

Draco Malfoy

"This is not a story for the faint of heart, nor the happy in spirit. But for those who are able to understand what it means to be hurt...to watch as a girl's spirit is shattered like glass upon concrete. Watch as she melts the young master's heart of ice, and watch as she helps him heal. She has no name, but his...is Señor Draco."[4] 'Nuff said.

In fanon, Draco is known for his cool dialogue and a tendency to wear leather trousers. In canon, Draco is known for barely managing a decent put-down on Ron and a tendency to cry like a little girl in the bathroom.

In the not too distant future, Draco marries and has a son named "Scorpius," which is a terrible name and not nearly as good as "Draco". Rumors on whether The Littlest Malfoy will grow up to don full-body leather and terrorize the Uncharted Territories have been neither confirmed nor denied.

Unimportant Characters

James Potter

That gang-rapist who bullied you in high school.

The full list of James's atrocities against wizardkind may never fully be known. His most diabolical scheme involved deceiving Snape into walking straight into the Kite-Eating Tree, which would almost certainly have killed him. Although this is already exactly as bad as everything every Slytherin has ever done, James compounded his sin by deciding not to go through with it and make it look like he was saving Snape's life, thereby impressing Lily with his ersatz heroism.

Lily Potter

Harry's dead mother, who pre-emptively did all the heavy lifting for him in the series by loving him so much that Voldemort dies just from looking at him funny. She chose that jerkwad James over her childhood friend Snape, thereby ruining Snape's life forever, to have that crotchdropping Harry. Whore.

Sirius Black

Harry's godfather and the titular Prisoner of Ass Cabin. Although he's now thoroughly dead, much is still made in the fandom about which character belongs in his OTP (including, but not limited to: Remus Lupin, Severus Snape, James Potter, Harry Potter, Nymphadora Tonks, Hagrid, Hagrid's giant spider, etc.).

Sirius's bedroom is completely covered in posters of muggle women in bikinis. They're magically attached to the walls and won't ever be removed, ever. Just like your Sirius OTP is never going to happen, and JK Rowling personally hates you.

Remus Lupin

A werewolf. In Harry Potter werewolves are an allegory for homosexuals. Rowling probably does not know this, but trust us, it's true. Remus's middle name is Jupiter, which Rowling also does not know. It appears that the fandom created this character and Rowling's novels are just really bad, out-of-canon Lupin fanfic.

Nymphadora Tonks

A shapeshifter with colorful hair who's related to Sirius, so she must be a Mary Sue. Marries Lupin, therefore is also a whore beard.

The Weasley Twins

Evil. (Voldemort? He's just misunderstood.) They have names, but don't need them since they always act as a single entity. Important because they provide the fandom with a much-needed outlet for twincest.

One of them dies in Book 7. It really doesn't matter which one.

Molly Weasley

NOT FEMINISTIC YOU BITCH!

Cho Chang

The Whore of Babylon.

Cedric Diggory

Has one role in the series: to be young, hot, and get killed by Voldemort. Our heroes fight (and cry) in his memory. Now serves as a vital link to Twilight fandom.

Luna Lovegood

A spacey, insane sex-bomb. (Read: "whore.") Luna is notorious among her peers for believing in all sorts of wacky things like UFOs and mythological creatures. Nine out of ten wizarding students, polled while learning home economics from a centaur, think Luna is batshit for buying into that made-up bullshit.

Blaise Zabini

Namedropped here and there, but never contributes to the plot and nothing is known about him. So of course he's a cult favorite in HP fanfic. Envisioned as a girl, until someone checked a translation with gendered nouns. Then envisioned as a pale emo Italian until JKR revealed he is black.

Dean Thomas

AKA The Hogwarts Groper

Marietta Edgecombe

Got raped by Hermione in Book 5. Totally had it coming to her, the whore.

Lucius Malfoy

Larger, slightly less wussy version of Draco. Has a pimpcane. Despite being one of the few Death Eaters above the age of fourteen, Lucius's primary purpose is to be the snooty rich father who makes sure Draco always gets his way. Draco inherits his father's money, blond hair, and posh accent, but not his pimpcane.

NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM~!

The star of the series and the most critical player in the entire Harry Potter cycle. Sure, little children overlook the subtle indications of Neville's true significance. But if you read Book 5 closely, you'll see the anvil-sized hints that he has a crucial destiny to fulfill amid the turmoil of Book 7. Don't judge him solely by the scenes where he stands around not doing anything or sits in class not knowing the answers to questions. Neville Longbottom is for real. You just wait and see.

At the end of the series, he's Professor of Herbology. And, after Rowling gave an interview, everyone thought he had gone on to date Luna Lovegood, until Rowling changed her mind clarified in another interview that he actually married Hannah Abbott. Yes, the Hannah Abbott. See? See? NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM, ladies and gentlemen.

The Giant Squid

The campus of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry includes a lake which contains a very large squid. As cephalopods do not love as humans know it, it would be very strange to ship the squid with anyone or anything. So people do. Gi-normous whore.

Buckbeak

In canon, Buckbeak is the hippogriff that has survived death by use of a Time Turner by the Three Brats. He is owned by Hagrid, stolen by Sirius, inherited by Harry, and then returned to Hagrid as "The Hippogriff Formerly Known As Buckbeak"; AKA Witherwings. In fanon, Buckbeak is the "perfect mount" for any occasion. Oh yes, there is a reason why this guy has been linked to the Hermione/Harry love theory; he was in on the action.

The Next Generation

James Jr, Lily Jr. and Albus Potter (spawn of Harry and Ginny); Rose and Hugo Weasley (spawn of Hermione and Ron Hermione and Harry), Scorpius Malfoy (spawn of Draco Malfoy) and a couple of hybrid werewolf/veela/shapeshifter babies. Their only purpose in the story is as a sort of consolation prize for those whose ship has sunk. No Harmony? Just write Albus/Rose instead! Sad because there's no more H/D? Well now you have ASS! And so on.