Harry Potter and the Golden Snitch

From Fandom wank wiki

Update: Some might say Vanceone lied to us, but we like to believe that Google delved into an alternate universe, and somewhere out there, all these things came to pass.

The title of the seventh and final book in the Harry Potter series, scheduled for release on 07/07/07, much to the dismay of anguished OBHWF shippers and Fandom_wank. We know this because Vanceone read about it in the future. On Google.

To date, JK Rowling and her publishers continue to operate under the obviously false premise that the title of the book is Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, on sale July 21. Silly girl.

Contents

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The Wank

May 10, 2006: Vanceone posts an alleged humor piece to harmonywank, in which he pretends that he has come into possession of an article from the future detailing the fandom fallout following the release of Harry Potter Book 7. The article thus details the overnight rioting incited because Harry marries Hermione at the end. Police are forced to intervene at Mugglenet's launch party, JK Rowling has to quadruple her usual security, Journalfen users suffer seizures, and books are thrown through store windows in disgust. And so the Harmonians achieve final victory against their oppressors.

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The Title

After Vanceone brought himself to orgasm writing all this, he went to HP Cornfield to, among other things, explain why the title of Book 7 in his cautionary tale is Harry Potter and the Golden Snitch:

“ It's fairly plain that HP is an alchemical allegory. JKR herself mentioned some of the alchemical symbolism the books are based on. The entire point of alchemy, as I understand it, was to become whole, and achieve harmony, becoming a greater person than you could possibly be. The thing is, you cannot achieve this without a partner--you had to achieve this through union of soul, etc of your spouse. Indeed, Nicolas Flamel, the legendary alchemist, could not have done it without his wife. The Golden snitch represents this ultimate goal. Thus, in a real sense, the HP series can be likened to a game of Quidditch, where Harry(everyman) is the Seeker (he seeks after enlightenment)--it is his job to catch the golden snitch, and obtain the reward (enlightenment and spiritual oneness). This reward, btw, is not just "having sex." ”
— {{{source}}}

In light of this overwhelmingly sound reasoning, we here at the wiki concede that the only possible title for Book 7 must be Harry Potter and the Golden Snitch. (Insert "golden snatch" joke here.)

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The Plot

Little is known about the plot of Golden Snitch--only that Harry Potter marries Hermione Granger, Quidditch may be essential for horcrux-finding, and Severus Snape and Sirius Black run off together. Or Snape borrows Black's motorcycle. Also, some alchemy shit. Then rocks fall and everyone dies.

Unconfirmed reports that the book contains a conflict, resolution, or an antagonist of any sort were unavailable in light of the bigger story of people chucking books at Barnes & Noble.

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Quotes

  • "The popular community "Fandom_wank" actually was shut down, simply because of all the traffic and vast numbers of people fighting there. This was relatively unique in Fandom_Wank's history..." --Weh R.E. Sum in Vanceone's fictional article, failing to do his research
  • "Yeah, I bet book 7 will be all about Quidditch, because our hero won't have anything better to do." --paranoid android [1]
  • "Now, this no doubt sounds like 'WTF.'" --Vanceone, on the alchemy theory [2]
  • "I imagine this would have to run on an enormously slow news day. The slowest news day in all the world." --an anonymouse [4]
  • "But... what happened to Voldemort, you egotistical little prats?" --hoopa [5]
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Links

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