I'm Leaving the Shakespeare Fandom

...because I can't stand the "gay Puck" fangirls who don't know the difference between a "faerie" and a "fairy." Hint: only one of them has to have sex with other men.

...because the PoloniHam shippers keep calling my beloved Ophelia a "suicidal bitch" just because she's obviously better for Hamlet than that abusive Polonius

...because the Troilus and Cressida pairing used to be small and fun until all the "Tempest" fuckwits came in and messed it up and claimed to have been there all along and showed no respect for us old-timers

...because it's "Merchant of Venice", people, not "Merchant of Venus." Why do you have to ruin a perfectly good legal drama with sappy romance?!? Also, it's "Two Gentlemen of Verona," not "Two Buttfucking Maniacs of Verona."

...because I don't want to hear another word about the infamous "Shakespeare calls Caliban fangirls 'sick motherfuckers'" interview from 1613

...because just as I bought all the quartos, he came out with a goddamned folio, forcing me to shell out yet another ha'pound and a groat to purchase it

...because I'm sick of the fact that the Comedies fans think they have a better sense of humor than us Tragedies fans. Bitch, please -- just because we find the whole eye-gouging scene in Lear funnier than the Three Stooges humor of "A Comedy of Errors," that just means we have a superior British, or maybe Canadian, sense of humor.

...because there are 154 sonnets and every single one of them has a fucking BNF

...and, finally, because my vision of a beautifully Nordic Othello has been ruined by the revelation that he is, in fact, a blacker shade of pale

For all these reasons and more, I'm leaving the Shakespeare fandom. Fuck you all.