If

From Fandom wank wiki

Posted on fw_fairytales here by anatsuno

Do you know the wonderful Fandom Wank version of If (Original poem by Rudyard Kipling) by Essy?

There once was a FW poetry thread in the old Blurty days (who sadly was lost when F_W got TOS'd over there), but this particular gem has been conserved intact by, of all people, cesare, my otp omg.

Here it is in its splendor-- I am very much in love with it:

If you can lose your head when all about you
Are keeping theirs and calling you a tit
And keep your whacked beliefs, though all fen doubt you
And blame the PR devil-men for it
If you can whine and not get tired of whining
Or, being linked to, go and bitch to Brad
And think that for your views all fen are pining
Although your spelling is extremely bad

If you can rant, with neither flair nor reason
And then without a trace of irony
Accuse your foes of fascism and treason
And Godwinise with one swift simile
If you can't bear to hear the fic you've written
Revealed as being plagiarised as fuck
Or that new Mary Sue with whom you're smitten
Reflected as a steaming pile of suck

If you can see a message in a sweater
And lecture folks on Yaoi's purity
And theorize the meta-meta-meta
Of some crap teen show on the WB
If you can force your friends and fans and minions
To fight your cause long after you are gone
So there will be no halt to your opinions
After your pseucide is undergone

If you've no clue of when to cut your losses
And just admit that you were in the wrong
If you think Kurt Cobain was burning crosses
And want those negros back where they belong
If you can fill the unforgiving journal
With bonkers posts at which we can poke fun
You'll be immortalised, your rants eternal,
And - which is more - you'll be a wank, my son!

Hope you enjoyed it!