Knitting
From Fandom wank wiki
Knitting is a craft/art/hobby which involves manipulating loops of yarn with sharp pointy sticks. Luckily, this is the internet, which means that knitters aren't able to stab each other with the tools of their craft.
Wankologists have speculated as to why it is that knitting causes such fountains of spooge, but as yet no one has been able to understand the intersection of the knitting gene with the wank gene. Maybe it has something to do with the sheep.
Not to be confused with crochet (or, as some knitters affectionately refer to it, "crotch-it"), which is a craft/art/hobby which involves manipulating loops of yarn with a single hooked tool. This is a very important distinction. Really.
2003-08-04: Knitting and God
In The Beginning, there was God's Magical Pubic Hairs, still considered by many to be the standard by which knitting wank is measured. The wank itself is technically about God (aka G-d) and not knitting, but who's going to care about that when there's high-quality spooge flying around.
It's also notable that this was the first and last knitting wank posted to fandom_wank. Although it's surely just coincidence, OTF Wank was created a week later, on August 11, 2003, and all subsequent knitting wank moved there.
2003-12-18: Knitting Elite
After resting a few months, God apparently created Big Name Knitters.
This wank begins when someone starts a group for intermediate knitters and announces it on the knitting community. Sadly, the comments to the post are lost, but somehow the posters at advanced_knit become convinced that said comments are bashing them and their elite knitting ways. They retreat to advanced_knit to lick their wounds and pat each other on the back.
2004-04-22: Acrylic vs. Natural Fibers
When the Knit-pocalypse comes, acrylic lovers will swathe themselves in their Red Heart and Caron and face off with the natural fiber knitters, who will be bearing their felted shields. Neither side will be armed with offensive weapons, because in the fiber wars it's always the other side that has attacked first.
This skirmish begins when tashabear, while trying to help coflower with her stitch placement and tension problems, remarks that she doesn't recommend Homespun (an acrylic yarn) for first knitting projects because it doesn't stretch very well. Coflower screams OMGFiberOppreshun! and proceeds to lose her shit all over the community, aided and abetted by most everyone else.[1]
There was also some bonus Sock Supremacy in a now-deleted post. Apparently the denizens of a sock-knitting list had a variety of charming names for non-sock-knitters, though whether this was because socks are the One True Project or because their list was the bestest ever is unclear. (These socks are the real thing, btw, and should not be confused with sockpuppets.)
- In the wank comments:
- "That reminds me of the time my mom and I got into a swordfight over which direction a proper cross stich should be in ..." --ladybirdsleeps
- "Like, with actual swords, or with needles of some sort?" --smo
- "Oh, real swords. I had to be taken to the emergency room for blood loss after she stabbed me in the thigh." --ladybirdsleeps[2]
- "Like, with actual swords, or with needles of some sort?" --smo
A Time of Peace
After such an impressive start in 2003-04, knitting wankers began to pace themselves, dealing with the more usual wankage subjects of trolls[3][4] and PETA over the next several months.
- Notable highlights:
- "Sheeproaches! Neat!" --moonjaguar [7]
2005-03-31: Penis knitting!
One of the touchier issues in the knitting community are those knitters who were born with penises. Not because they're crappy knitters, but because it's always such a Big Deal when a man is seen knitting. (Kind of like male slash writers.)
In this instance, someone asks, "Is Knitting a feminist activity?" The answer? No! because I have a penis![8][9]
2005-04-01: Acrylic vs. Natural Fibers, pt. 2
Following a heated debate over acrylic, geekling decides to post her Economics of Knitting theory in a new post. She concludes by saying, "And that's why "trailer trash knitters" ends up spending twice as much money on feeding their knitting hobby than the 'yarn snobs'." [10] Somehow, it escapes her notice that the phrase "trailer trash" might be a bit insulting.
Whether prompted by this post or some earlier incident, a new information post is added to the knitting community called Acrylic Wars: A New Hope
- Memorable Quotes:
2005-08-24: Punk knitting
In the punk_knitters community, someone posts pictures of herself knitting while suspended from hooks. Some members of the community go Euw![13]
- Memorable Quotes:
2006-03-07: Public Knitting
This is another age-old topic, fought in such illustrious forums as The New Yorker. Now featured on the knitting community.[16] Basically, the issue is whether or not it's appropriate to knit during lectures, seminars, and the like. This one was distinguished by the addition of ADHD as an explanation for why one poster knitted during seminars.
Historical note: Perri Klass apparently caused something of a letter war in The New Yorker after admitting that she knitted during case reviews while a pediatric intern: apparently it's much more socially acceptable to sleep through these things than knit.
2006-04-19: Penis Knitting, pt 2
Someone posts (for the third time) some (very old) information about a guy in Arizona who knits superhero costumes.[18] Because each and every time this same information has been posted, the poster has felt the need to mention said guy's maleness, all heck breaks loose. Again.
2006-05-24: Knitting and Babies
Halter tops make babies look like sluts. The downfall of all civilzation is nigh.[19]
2006-06-06: You Knit What?!
What's not to love about a pair of knitted shorts with K.1 stitched across the ass? Apart from the handsome young man modelling said shorts (now immortalized in the pictured icon), pretty much everything.[20]
Knitting: The Heralds of the Knit-pocalypse
As has been mentioned previously, there are a number of issues the knitting community will wank mightly over at the mere drop of a needle. Here are a few of the so far unwanked burning issues that plague the dedicated knitter.
Continental vs. English (Or, Pickers vs. Throwers)
Continental knitters hold the yarn in their left hand and "pick" up the yarn with the right needle. English knitters hold the yarn in their right hand and "throw" the yarn around the right-hand needle. When the Knit-pocalypse comes, God will separate the Pickers and Throwers into different corners so they don't maul each other. The folks who use any of the other numerous knitting methods (for instance the Greeks and South Americans, who loop the yarn around the back of their necks), will probably sit quietly and get actual knitting done while the Continental knitters are busy complaining to God about the English knitters being allowed in.
Wood vs. Metal vs. Plastic
Knitting needles are made of everything from nickel to plastic to glass to sheep milk (no, really). Knitters tend to cling to their chosen needle material with all the fervor of a Harry Potter fan defending their OTP.
Straight Needles vs. Circular Needles vs. Double Pointed Needles
Using straight needles is hard. Using circular needles is hard. Using double-pointed needles is really hard.
Socks vs. All Other Garments
Sock knitters are the elite of the knitting world. Socks are the most difficult items to knit, and it takes a true knitter with skill, intelligence, and pure raw talent to appreciate the wonder of knitting socks. It's true: just ask any sock knitter.
