Paintball
From Fandom wank wiki
A practicing lawyer in Texas, born December 19, 1947, who loves a good mystery novel, reads Harry Potter, and is totally out of his mind.
The man who would be paintball was introduced to Harry Potter when he chanced to visit a bookstore the day Harry Potter 5: The Final Frontier was released. Although he was never a big fan of fantasy, a man in line assured him that Harry Potter is as much a mystery as it is fantasy, so he gave the series a try. By 2005 he had become so enraptured by the story that, while awaiting the release of Harry Potter and the Magician's Nephew he began participating in the wonderful world of Harry Potter online fan forums. The screen name "paintball" refers to what his wife calls him whenever he does something stupid, apparently in reference to an unknown anecdote which scientists hypothesize may have been fucking hilarious.
Paintball was quickly frustrated by the illogical things Harry Potter fans were saying on the internet. (Harry Potter fans? Illogical?) He ultimately founded the website diatssise.com as an alternative to existing fan sites for mystery genre fans. However, as evidenced by the site's URL, paintball's haven for Potter sleuths revolved entirely around a single theory, leaving it victim to the same fate that befell his message board for Mary Roberts Rhinehart's The Door (p206.ezboard.com/themaiddidit) and his IRC chatroom concerning Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's The Adventure of the Final Problem (#ithinkholmesisreallydead).
The sum total of paintball's online existence appears to be the proclamation of his elaborate theories and plugs for his website regarding same. This may effectively make him the Gene Ray of Harry Potter fandom.
Paintball was surprisingly conciliatory upon the release of Harry Potter and the Mission to Moscow, which dashed all his theories, and was seemingly amused by the wank report about him on HP Cornfield. However, on October 27-28, he used the sockpuppet itiswar to seek "internet revenge" on Fandom Wank.
Contents |
Theories
The SS/PS Trap
Named after Book 1, this theory supposes that the defenses guarding the Thinky-Guy's Hard Thing are in fact an elaborate trap designed to trap Voldemort's soul within the magic mirror. Had Harry Potter not interfered, Dumbledore would have successfully trapped Voldemort and forced him to reveal the locations of his Horcruxes Horcruces Horcrutches beloved childhood sled. The purpose of this theory is to discredit the standard interpretation of the book that Dumbledore deliberately allowed an 11-year-old boy to blunder into a series of deathtraps and engage in single combat with the world's deadliest sorcerer.
DIATSSISE
Working from the assumption that Dumbledore's murder is intended as a mystery to be solved, this theory suggests that Dumbledore Impersonated A Trustworthy Severus Snape In Spinner's End. Thus it was Dumbledore and not Snape who vowed to fulfill Draco's mission to kill Dumbledore, meaning Dumbledore doomed himself and Snape didn't really kill him.
The Deathly Hallows Trap
Similar to the SS/PS Trap theory, paintball was convinced prior to the release of Book 7 that Harry lacked the necessary information or experience to singlehandedly locate the fragments of Voldemort's soul and destroy them. Therefore, the theory holds that the entire backstory about Harry being a "chosen one" fated to destroy Voldemort is in fact a red herring created by Dumbledore to use Harry's quest for the Horcruxesesexes as bait for a hidden trap for Voldemort. This would in effect recast the series as a masterful parody of the fantasy genre, making fantasy readers look foolish while earning praise from critics and adult readers and finally give paintball sweet revenge on those idiots who mocked him. As ever, paintball based this theory on the inalienable assumption that it would be inconceivable that JK Rowling is in fact writing a very stupid plot about three unprepared kids wandering around hoping to stumble upon a macguffin for killing the bad guy.
The "I Should Have Listened to My Wife" Theory
Not an explicit theory as such, but an excellent prediction by paintball following the repudiation of all the above theories:
| “ | Probably I have just acquired a new name for her to call me when I do something stupid. I don’t know how many times I will hear the phrase "Way to go Potter" in the future, but I’m pretty sure I have just lost the name "Paintball." | ” |
Paintball's Final Harry Potter Theory
Given the unavoidable revelation that Dumbledore does send a lone boy to battle existential threats, that Snape did kill Dumbledore, and that all the idiotic contrivances in the series were meant to be taken as-is, paintball offers a final theory. This last hypothesis simply holds that Rowling originally planned to do all the stuff paintball thought she would do, and then changed her plot midway through. This may have been done either to appease her publishers' demands concerning the page count or to please her stupid idiotic fantasy-loving fans. As of this writing, paintball still clings to this theory, and remains ever faithful that somehow, someday, Rowling's unedited manuscript will become available for him to verify his belief. To wit:
| “ | I picked up my paper this morning and read that JKR announced at her New York City book tour that Dumbledore was gay. My only question for JKR is "Why?" Why is it necessary for you to make this statement? Is this even "canon" since you didn't feel it necessary to include this fact in your books? Just release the original unedited version of Deathly Hallows instead of making these types of stupid revelations that doesn't have anything to do with the plot. I'm still waiting to see how many changes you made to the plot, and no you're not going to cause me to go back to the discussion forums because of this stupid statement. | ” |
Will paintball prevail in his quest to prove he was right all along? Will Rowling successfully out enough of her characters to force paintball to return to the discussion forums, as has always been her master plan? Only time will tell.
