Pseuicide
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Introducing pseuicide (a.k.a. pseudocide or Munchausen by Proxy Server), the painless way to become a source of lasting inspiration on the internet!
Contents |
Why should I try pseuicide?
Life on the internet is hard. You have these journals and blogs... and maybe someone is pestering you to update your fanfic. Or, you know, maybe you're just annoyed that whiny emo people garner all the attention that really should be yours. Or, really, you want to show that people on the internet have hearts by raising $5000.
Whatever.
Many problems, one solution: pseuicide.
Some people don't make it all the way to the last step, but even stopping partway down can provide lasting inspiration. If you're in a hurry and have conned people out of a lot of money, skip immediately to Step 3.
Step 1: Make up a disease
How do I pick a good disease?
You're dying-- well, everyone is, right? So it isn't even like you're lying.
Hey, maybe you could claim to have a terminal disease! Cancer is a good choice, but tuberculosis will work in a pinch. If you pick something really rare, odds are most people won't know about it. And that's always good, too. Post about it in your journal-- you can drag it out for months, garnering sympathy with each symptom. If you really aren't comfortable with pretending to have the symptoms yourself, hey-- maybe someone set your cat on fire and he desperately needs medical treatment.
It's all good.
Your friends will find it inspirational! Look at how you (or your cat) soldier on in the face of adversity! It will show them all the path to greatness!
Step 2: Stomp on those doubters
Won't someone find me out?
Oh, probably. You can't be bothered to research all of the symptoms of your medical condition, after all, and someone might notice you slipping up here or there. If you're really unlucky, someone might quibble that one in ten million people get a disease like you describe.
They might even call doctors (or vets). Damn, that's dedication, and a sure sign that those doubters have too much time on their hands.
But have no fear, for you are a source of inspiration! Your friends will defend you against the haters and doubters to the bitter end...
...which brings us to the next step.
Step 3: Internet death!
Do I really have to die?
Of course not! That defeats the purpose. How can you see how much of an inspiration you've been if you die or permanently leave the internet?
No, no-- create a sockpuppet. Announce your own death. Spread the news as widely as possible.
All your LJ friends will be grief-stricken to see you gone.
You can experience the sympathy, the caring... and, plus, not have to pay back any of that money you raised to pay for your cat's expensive medical treatment!
Step 4: Get caught
Can I avoid getting caught?
Probably not. But keep your sockpuppet going on overdrive. Stir up the grief-- you need to keep reminding them what an inspiration you're supposed to be.
Eventually the sympathy and caring wears out and more people start investigating in earnest (damn them!). They might even look at your sockpuppet's IP address and match it to yours. This is why it might be a good idea to set your death to a time when you are moving or changing ISPs, so that the IP addresses won't match.
When you're well and truly caught, it's time to post your confession.
Step 5: Confess
What do I say?
It isn't as if you were actually lying, remember. You started this with the best of intentions. You wanted to be inspirational and show people weren't all cynical and heartless. No one has grounds to be upset. It's the internet-- not real life. When it comes down to it, they should be thanking you.
Make sure to fit that into your confession.
Besides, your parents raised you wrong and you're dyslexic. That right there should be defense enough.
Hey, just to show there are no hard feelings, you should congratulate the people who found you out-- that's some investigative talent!
In Conclusion
Yes, though some might mock that you could simply turn off your computer to escape the rigors of fandom, we all know better. You deserve recognition. Others should learn from your bravery. Make sure they do.
Pseuicide -- the only way to leave the internet.
Links
- Tragic-ish Death of Limeybean
- You cheated on me by RPing, so I had no choice but to die[1]
- Fireandsmoke's terrible car accident[2]
- City_Glitter's inspirational story of poor burned Schrödinger the Cat
- Victoria Bitter
- The fake_lj_deaths community[3]
- The dramatic death of Kaycee Nicole[4]
- Rhyein and her dear friend Flashman, "killed" on 9/11[5]
- You cannot deny the emotional impact of the stutter-typing!
- How Do You Solve A Problem Like SVMaria?
- Guide to Pseuicide, immortalized in video form. [6]
- Sep and Snacky's Guide to Pseuicide [7]
- Pseuicide in fandom dates back to 1941! [8]
