Sincerely, the Fandom Police

spawn_of_kong:

I mean, it never really says "Gryffindors are good; Slytherins are bad." IIRC, what it says is that Gryffindors tend to be courageous, and Slytherins tend to be ambitious. Or maybe I just need to re-read the books (I've only read each of them in full once or twice).

miss_sophia:

Dear S. O. Kong:

In light of your recent statement to the effect that you have read the Harry Potter books in full only once or twice, we regret to inform you that your Harry Potter fan card is hereby revoked. Please return it via the enclosed self-addressed stamped envelope within a week's time. Should you read all six books in the Harry Potter series five times within that week, you will be allowed to keep the card, but on a probational basis, provided that you write five meta pieces and ten fanfics (at least seven of which must include male homosexual relationships, one of which must be either Draco/Harry, Remus/Sirius, or Snape/Dumbledore).

Sincerely,

The Fandom Police

mcity:

In light of your recent statement to the effect that you have read the Harry Potter books in full only once or twice, we regret to inform you that your Harry Potter fan card is hereby revoked.

Crap.

provided that you write five meta pieces and ten fanfics (at least seven of which must include male homosexual relationships, one of which must be either Draco/Harry, Remus/Sirius, or Snape/Dumbledore).

I wrote a nonsexual Harry/Draco MPREG fic. That count?

miss_sophia:

Dear M. City:

We regret to inform you that your request to maintain your Harry Potter fan card has been denied. Unfortunately, you have not complied with our requirement of having read the six books in the series at least ten times forward and twelve times backwards. In addition, your suggestion that a nonsexual Harry/Draco MPREG fic be substituted for our probational stipulations fell short of the expected mark, due to the lack of sexuality and scatological intercourse with human skulls. Please return your fan card to our offices as soon as possible.

Sincerely,

The Fandom Police

mcity:

Dear Fandom Police:

Unfortunately, you have not complied with our requirement of having read the six books in the series at least ten times forward and twelve times backwards.

Those constitute "hidden terms".

Please return your fan card to our offices as soon as possible.

You'll never take me alive.

Sincerely,

M.City.

miss_sophia:

Dear M. City:

Your fan card has now been rendered invalid at all LiveJournal and other blogging locations, due to your inability to discern subtext (incorrectly cited by you as "hidden terms"), an essential skill for anybody hoping to wield the Harry Potter fan card with pride and authority. We will shortly be sending our attack goats to your Intrawebs address to claim the card and give you a good firm ramming. Nothing short of a complete rewrite of the entire series so as to support a romantic relationship between Dennis Creevey and Mundungus Fletcher could save your card from revokation.

Sincerely,

The Fandom Police

mcity:

Dear Fandom Police,

due to your inability to discern subtext (incorrectly cited by you as "hidden terms"),

It is my legal position that said "subtext" was indeed hidden, in that a five year old child of moderate intelligence could not discern it. It is also my postion that removal of my card constitues oppression, and I therby claim it unter the terms of the Opressed Law. This law also gives me the right to whine endlessly in my Livejournal and/or blog..

I will immediately begin searching for the requested text. In fact, I'm sure I've read that fic before.

I have a bat, a week's supply of ramen, goat repellent, and anger issues.

Let's rock.

Come and get me,

M.City

miss_sophia:

Dear M. City:

We seem to have hit a snag in your case and were hoping you might be able to shed some light upon it. In your most recent correspondence, you indicated that a small, moderately intelligent child five years of age would not be able to discern said subtext, which gave our analysts the initial impression that you are not part of the Harmonian sect of fandom.¹ However, the same piece of correspondence also indicates that you are claiming oppression under the terms of the Oppressed Law,² which applies chiefly to Harmonian constituents.

Please clarify your position on the existence and potential purity of the Harry/Hermione relationship so that we may classify your records accordingly. Also, please provide the name of your Intrawebs lawyer who shall be arguing your case under the ZOMG Oppressed Law.

Your case is temporarily suspended pending clarification of the Harmonian issue and your search for the requested Dennis Creevey/Mundungus Fletcher fan fiction.

We hope that you enjoy your dried Japanese noodles and do not cut yourself too deeply while suffering from your anger issues.

Sincerely,

The Fandom Police

¹ Fandom Legal Code HA#07311980 states that Harmonians hold the belief that all supposed subtext within the Harry Potter canon is blatant and obvious to anyone smart enough to discern it. (Note: This law applies only to perceptions of a romantic relationship between Harry Potter and Hermione Granger.)

² By the Oppressed Law, we assume that you are referring to the ZOMG Oppressed Law. The name of this law was changed effective July 16, 2005.

lightnote_blend:

Wait, so if I ship Harry/Hermione, I'm protected under the law? Or have I misinterpreted what you're saying, officer?

I just want to be absolutely clear on what the law says.

miss_sophia:

Dear L. Blend:

We are sending this clarification of the ZOMG Oppressed Law as a courtesy in response to your request for more information. Persons who ship Harry/Hermione are indeed protected under the ZOMG Oppressed Law and as a result cannot have their Harry Potter fan cards removed soley because of their shipping preference. However, any of the following automatically invalidates their protection and constitutes potential legal justification for rescindication of the card: extraordinarily wanky behavior,¹ general asshattery, and Internet lawyering without a license.

Thank you for your interest, and please inform us if we can be of further help in this or any other matter.

Sincerely,

The Fandom Police

¹ Exceptions are made for low to moderate levels of wankery on the basis of Article 1, Section 7, Paragraph 2 of the Fandom Constitution, which states that wank is a "natural" part of any fandom and that no fandom, no matter how small, is immune from wank.