Star Wars
From Fandom wank wiki
Very large, very old fandom. Has been whining longer than your fandom has existed. Unless your fandom is Star Trek or Doctor Who.
Contents |
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The Movies
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Original Trilogy
- 1977: A New Hope. Han shoots first. Also, other stuff happens. Then Han shoots first again. Then more stuff.
- 1980: Empire Strikes Back. "Luke, I am your father." Introduces the world to Lando Calrissian. Introduced too Yoda is. Leia kisses Luke. On the mouth.
- 1983: Return of the Jedi. She's his sister! Cue the twincest! They're goddamned teddy bears! Cue furry!
The fandom: Wanks about who's better, Han or Luke? And Ewoks.
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Original Trilogy: Special Editions
- 1997: George Lucas changes his mind: Han doesn't shoot first. Furthermore, new CGI technology allows Lucas to utterly ruin, beyond any hope of forgiveness or redemption, the movie his fans allowed him to make way back when. Also, Darth Vader's ghost is no longer old and bald. Which means something. We're pretty certain of that.
The fandom wanks.
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Prequel Trilogy
- 1999: The Phantom Menace. Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon are totally hot for each other.
- 2002: Attack of the Clones. Natalie Portman's wardrobe acts for her. Fangirls discover Hayden Christensen. So do some fanboys. Curiously, nobody except the NAACP discovers Jar-Jar, and they are decidedly not turned on.
- 2005: Revenge of the Sith. Everybody dies! Mostly.
The fandom wanks about the titles, Jar-Jar Binks, the dialogue, the rape of their childhoods, and the performances of everyone except the Brits.
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The Original Trilogy - original again!
- 2006: The original original trilogy is released on DVD, with none of those pesky 1997 retcons. Lucas claims he taped over the masters, hence the DVDs look worse than the laserdiscs. There is wank.
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The Prequel Trilogy - remade!
- In the far future. Wank is expected.
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Expanded Universe
Professional fanfic, authorized by Lucasfilm. There is much wank about canon, and a lot of Mary Sue finger-pointing.
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Wank Locations
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The Wank will be with you... always
- Star Wars Cosplay Team Implosion![1] - October 13, 2003
- Nobody reads my essays! Is it the end of Qui/Obi?!?![2] - October 23, 2003
- The Invasion of TheForce.Net Mod Privacy[3] - February 28, 2004
- Howard knows Star Wars better than George Lucas, and he's not shy about saying it.[4] - August 8, 2005
- Reconciling EU with movie canon leads to wank. Wank leads to wankas reminiscing[5] - October 7, 2005
- Buy My Non-Commercial, Self-Published Fanfic! - April 21, 2006
Note: All can be explained once you realize Star Wars fans hate Star Wars.
