Super Secret Fans
From Fandom wank wiki
Super Secret Fans are those fans that claim to have a special, secret relationship with an object of fandom desire. Despite it supposedly being a "secret," the Super Secret Fan will discuss their "relationship" with the celebrity endlessly in posts, chat rooms, blogs, etc.
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General Background
Though the star in question usually has an official means of discussing his/her views or interacting with fans (official website, interviews, official discussion board, moderated chats, etc.) the Super Secret Fan dismisses information from those sources.
According to the Secret Fan, stars are always trawling the Internet for information about themselves, looking for the wankiest fan boards and lists. It is there that they become so bowled over by the brilliance of Super Secret Fan's posts they just have to secretly appoint Super Secret Fan as their conduit/mouthpiece.
Super Secret Fan generously acts as spokesperson and shares the star's opinions with other minions in the fandom. Often, the star's messages contain no real, publicly confirmable information (for example, about the star's work) but rather concern obscure debates or issues in the fandom. By wild coincidence, the star's views always neatly mirror Super Secret Fan's own ("I totally love slash!") If a star's public interviews or real life behavior happen to contradict one of SSF's revelations, it is only because the star is being forced to engage in an elaborate conspiracy for the sake of their image ("He likes to tell lies in interviews to amuse himself!"/"That's not really his girlfriend he's pictured naked with!" etc). If it ever comes down to a choice between the star or the Super Secret Fan, you will always be asked to believe the Super Secret Fan's version of events.
Other fans get excited for awhile at being so close to their object of desire, but wait! This is kind of hard to believe. But don't worry! Super Secret Fan always has some concrete, irrefutable proof of their relationship with the star. Unfortunately, they cannot reveal any of it, as it's super! secret! But you trust them, right?
"How dare you not trust me!"
As doubts and questions start to accumulate, Super Secret Fan's friends/sockpuppets rally around. Often the Super Secret Fan disappears during this time, as the friends are left to squelch the doubters ("I know Super Secret Fan, and I have to say he/she's totally awesome and would NEVER lie about such a thing!") This allows for the Super Secret Fan to reappear and recast it as "us vs. them." Suddenly the people questioning Super Secret Fan's sources aren't just looking for some confirmation, they're haterz!
Many Super Secret Fans use their secret relationship to confirm that their objects of desire are not at all bothered by slash, RPS, rapefic or any other controversial topic in the fandom. This is good, because the Super Secret Fan happens to write those very things!
Flouncing
As the fire gets too hot, the Super Secret Fan takes a wide variety of tactics:
- I am totally about to answer all your questions, any second now. Instead of actually producing any answers, Super Secret Fan will promise to do it totally soon. They just need time for the photos to get developed, their scanner to get fixed, their nanny to get off the computer, etc. and want to keep everyone updated. Why actually post an answer? Claiming you're working on one, real hard, is just as good!
- I would have just answered the questions but I never got a chance what with all the meanies around, doubting me! Unfortunately, just as the Super Secret Fan was about to share their home movies of Dominic Monaghan and Elijah Wood frolicking in their apartment, they became so disillusioned by the haterz they realized they couldn't go on.
- I don't care anyway, believe what you want! Since the Super Secret Fan is a much better person than you, they don't have to take these "questions." Why wouldn't you take the word of a stranger on the Internet? They were just trying to something nice, can't you see that? ::sob::
- You hate the gays! Stars never, ever have a problem with buttsex. No matter their religious, cultural, or personal background, they will always confirm to Super Secret Fan that they have no problem with strangers writing graphic sex stories involving their friends, co-stars, relatives or fantasy characters. ("Raped by a unicorn, you say? Love it!") If the subject in question isn't bothered by slash, why are you? Doubting Super Secret Fan obviously means you have a problem with gay people.
It always ends with the Flounce. The more dramatic SSFs will attempt a Double Flounce. This is the SSF's attempt to elicit the following response:
| “ | "Oh nos! Come back! What will we do without you, Super Secret Fan??? You said you were just about to post the transcripts of yur super secret chats and disprove all the haterz!!!!!!" | ” |
Gullible fans who still believe Super Secret Fan's tales will then attempt to blame the haterz. If only everyone had unquestioningly believed that Brad Pitt logged on to Yahoo! chat at night to assure fans he loves Troy slash, everything would have been happy in Fandomland.
Super Secret Friend
A subset of the Super Secret Fan is the Super Secret Friend. Almost exclusive to reality show boards, Super Secret Friends suddenly appear to defend reality show villains. They claim to be a neighbor/friend/nanny/carpool buddy who wants everyone to know that Reality Show Villain isn't THAT bad, ha ha ha, it was just the editing! The Super Secret Friend often has such intimate knowledge of the filming, it's almost like they were there themselves! Super Secret Friends rarely go through the elaborate flouncing, instead just disappearing as soon as the questions start.
List of Super Secret Fans
- Cassandra Claire, (secondhand) SSF of Pamela Dean. When caught plagiarizing some of her Harry Potter fic from the Pamela Dean novel The Hidden Land, Claire replied that "a friend of hers (Pamela Dean's) wrote me after I posted it and said she loved the homage, thought it was great."[1] Not a traditional SSF, but a prime example of a fan using an "inside source" to absolve themselves and deflect criticism from other fans.
- Ckll. That email she got? Absolutely real.
- Crystal Gamgee, BFF with lots of LOTR actors. She had photographic proof!
- Eliza Cuts, "engaged" to My Chemical Romance frontman, Gerard Way[2][3]
- Gacktisgod -- did you hear? Gackt and his bodyguard totally showed up to watch her sing.[4] Not that she's a BNF, or anything.[5]
- Stephanie Ware, "married" to Supernatural star, Jensen Ackles[6]
- Victoria Bitter, SSF of Sean Astin and Elijah Wood. Elijah personally confirmed to her that he was lovers with Dominic Monaghan.
