Victoria Bitter
From Fandom wank wiki
Victoria Bitter AKA Jordan Wood AKA Amy Player AKA Mr. Frodo. Her history of wank in Lord of the Rings fandom has been comprehensively documented many times (see the links), so we'll just hit the high points.
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The Victoria Bitter True Hollywood Story
Amy Player went by "Victoria Bitter" in LOTR fandom (she's usually just called "VB" on Fandom_Wank), and was well-regarded until she began posting to her LiveJournal that she was having the dreams of Meriadoc Brandybuck. This would just be crazy if Merry had simply lived hundreds of years ago, but since he's a fictional character from the Lord of the Rings series our diagnosis must progress to wiggling our finger over our pursed lips. VB's story attracted the attention of batshit insane fans, including OrangeBlossom (Abigail Stone), for whom Victoria relocated to Oregon to begin a romantic relationship.
VB and OB won acclaim in the Domlijah tinhat movement by claiming to be friends with actor Sean Astin (and by extension, Elijah Wood), and using this Super Secret Fan connection to "prove" Wood's forbidden love affair with Dominic Monaghan. They created a sockpuppet journal, ostensibly belonging to the real Elijah, before revealing that it was actually VB channeling Elijah's spirit. Okay!
After that fiasco VB disappeared, returning in a new persona named "Jordan Wood" with the LJ username "misterfrodo". OrangeBlossom denied suspicions that this was VB, claiming Victoria had committed suicide and Mr. Frodo was her new (and assuredly male, you betcha) lover. Pictures of Jordan (VB trying to look like Elijah Wood) were less than convincing. The story changed--instead of killing herself VB had begun magically transforming--sex organs and all--into Elijah Wood. (What was therefore happening to the real Elijah appears to have never been explained--maybe his penis was shrinking and he was becoming a psycho fangirl.)
Around this time Amy Player's photo turned up on milk cartons, as her family in Virginia had been looking for her since she ran off to live with OB in Oregon. By this time, Amy (as Jordan) and OrangeBlossom had moved in with a friend in California, where the Bit of Earth scandal went down. Since then VB and OB have been spotted working as street performers on Hollywood Boulevard: VB typically dressed as Harry Potter or Puss-in-Boots (Shrek) and OB as Princess Fiona (in ogre form, also from Shrek).[1]
On March 4th, 2007, VB (as Amy Player) posted an apology. In it, she attributed her batshit insanity to an equally batshit childhood. And slash:
To Whom It May Concern: The Origins and Redemption of a Rare Lesbian Paladin
As a young tinhat, her desire to read smutty fanfics led her to create alternate online identities. She blames both pubescent hormones (to quote, "ESTROGEN AND I DO NOT MIX") and a complete lack of a sexual education. She claimed she was "unusually intelligent" and "thinking about it [sex] from a male perspective," "a little too good [at lying] for my own good."
At college, where she made the phenomenal mistake (mental-health-wise) of falling in with the campus's resident stereotypically bohemian Theater Group, she met the Priestess. It is unclear whether this Priestess was an actual human being (VB stated that she cannot recall her name) or a figment of a bizarre imagination, but she served as some sort of spiritual guide to young VB. The Priestess explained that VB was a Rare Lesbian Paladin, cabable of channeling any number of souls (alive, dead, fictional, or real). J.R.R Tolkien had actually written his books, but translated them. From a "single faded volume" that chronicled "a history lost to the brutal censorial axes of the post-Constantine Romans."
Thus began her life in the LOTR fandom.
After Bit of Earth failed so spectacularly, she tried to sell credit card readers with some guy she met while undergoing inpatient treatment. Suprisingly, that didn't work. She, OB, and Diamond (the girl that was unfortunate enough to be living with them at the time) wound up evicted and broke. They panhandled their way to LA and Hollywood, where they stayed with a friend and took pictures in costume to earn the money for a room at a cheap motel. (When you lose your apartment, and have to panhandle for funds, make sure you bring your cosplay costumes with you.)
In October of 2005, she and OB were stranded in Buffalo, New York, on their way to a new job in Toronto. It was there that she found God, and finally accepted himself as a transgendered man.
They are no longer together. After being stranded in Buffalo, New York, OB returned to her home, and has not spoken to VB since, nor does she have any intention of becoming involved with VB again.
List of (main) wanks
(Note: Many of VB's wanktastic activities occurred during F_W's Blurty days. When Blurty deleted F_W a lot of the original reports were lost.)
- Bit of Earth
- Have You Seen This Hobbit? Amy Player turns up on a milk carton, leading BitOfEarth (and the Oregon authorities) to discover MisterFrodo's true identity.
- Victoria Bitter Bites Again - VB issues a Cease and Desist letter to stop anyone from slandering her about Tentmoot, and sends it to Turimel. And Elijah Wood. And Peter Jackson. And Leonard Nimoy. And "Weird Al" Yankovic. And...
- Copies of this document will be sent to all specified relevant parties. - Turimel receives word that celebrities received the C&D.
- Tah-dah! Amy confesses
Links
- The VB / Turimel category in FW's memories
- In December 2003, mpoetess attempted to recap the whole story in 5 comments [2] [3] [4] [5] [6]
- Guinivere 33 summarizes the saga of Victoria Bitter on fwgreatesthits.
Etymology
Player's "Victoria Bitter" alias is taken from the name of a popular Australian Beer. "Jordan Wood" is derived from Lord of the Rings star Elijah Jordan Wood. And "Mr. Frodo" is of course based on one of Wood's best known roles, the cannibal in Sin City.
Categories: Wanked | WTF | Wank All-Star | Epic Wanks
