Why You Are A Squib: A Symphony in Four Parts
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Contents |
The Application
March 11, 2006: A girl named gryffin_claw tried to join Hogwarts Elite. Too bad she was a Squib. When asked how she'd been found lacking, Ravenclaw sirkate provided a four-comment analysis of the faults in her application. To give you a quick appreciation of the work that went into this:
- Comment One opening lines: Your cut-line makes me cringe, thinking that somebody might actually like such a blatantly stupid and sexually suggestive song. That's neither here nor there, though. (etc. etc. etc.)
- Comment Two opening lines: 7) Sold his sole? The bottom of his foot? That sucks, dude. Honestly, though. You cannot appreciate his character, you say. And yet, without his character, there would be no books. (etc. etc. etc.)
- Comment Three opening lines: 10) Hufflepuff-- Telling us how the houses are seen is silly. We know that. The question asks what YOU feel are the TRUE qualities of the house. (etc. etc. etc.)
- Comment Four opening lines: 15) Successful at what? Happy doing what? You want EVERYONE to know you? Everyone in the whole world? What do you want to direct? Why do you want to be a mother and wife, director, known, and successful? (etc. etc. etc.)
Ravenclaws Don't Write NSYNC Slash
The applicant's friend and Hogwarts Elite member gits_r_us was outraged and stormed out of the community. (Gits_r_us had previously figured sirkate was accusing her of an incestuous relationship with her father. It's complicated. [1])
la_fee_mechante AKA Ginny_Weasley also quit the comm, then got down and personal by revealing that sirkate writes N'SYNC slash. [2]
| “ | When she isn't busy ripping hogwarts_elite applicants a new asshole, sirkate spends her time ripping the N'Sync boys a new one. Now, I could go all Ravenclaw on her ass, and nitpick her grammar, but I don't think there's a Gryffindor out there brave enough to wade through an entire N'Sync slash fan fiction. For someone who prides herself on being intellectually above everyone, I daresay it's a pity that such phrenic talent is wasted on frivolous tales of boyband assfucking." | ” |
Please Squib Me
Onezeronothing was inspired by this spectacle to apply to Hogwarts Elite in order to be Squibbed. [3] As he explained to the community members,
| “ | 3. Why shouldn't we squib you? To be perfectly honest, I haven't the slightest idea. I've heard nothing but the God awful things about this community's sorting procedures and I'm really just joining to see if they're true. So, from what I understand, you guys squib everyone, so for the first time, I'm more than willing to join the common wo/man and be squibbed. Just so I can say "Hey, I was squibbed at Hogwarts_Elite." I plan to get t-shirts made. | ” |
A few of the community's more Slytherin members tried to take him to their bosom, but the majority righteously Squibbed him for - wait for it - Slytherin pushing. [4] Onezeronothing was delighted.
Quotes
- "also, remember everytime you use the word "cunt" to denote badness, the patriarchy smiles." - daniemeg [5]
- "I was looking at this application from a viewpoint of literary analysis." - sirkate [8]
- "uh, why? @_@" - sunhawk [9]
- "Didn't you know that pretending to do magic with elitist strangers on the internet is serious business?" - influencethis
- "uh, why? @_@" - sunhawk [9]
- "The best part about the sorting elite wanks is the giant sig images people use, almost all of which are these overly photoshopped blowjobs that involve slapping the house name on a completely unrelated image of a celebrity or fictional character. It's not enough to insist you identify with one of the houses--you simply must project your concept of the house onto your favorite unrelated entity." - Hooverdam. This comment was followed by a thread of delightfully absurd House sig images. [10]
Icons!
- Not Slytherin, Not Slytherin... Gryffindor pushing much? by tinsolitus
- I squibbed you like Godzilla by mochibuni
